35

So I wonder what you were doing at this age? You had 3 children, the youngest was 5. How could anyone see any of it coming, we all know that train wrecks happen, we expect horrible damage and even destruction from them, but no one really counts on the subtle, snake in the grass, events that don't kill anyone but cause such upheaval.

I am about to be 35 and I have my one child, we have lost another as quietly as so many have, we hold the screams and shouts in so that our brains don't process properly over the noise.

The shadow will never leave her, it is so strange how people are people with no self esteem are desperate for such drama that they will not forsake that drama no matter how much it takes from them without giving. You were the anti-drama, I used to think you were just, bitter, now I know better. How awful to know what was right in front of you and to have it taking you under but to not be able to think enough of yourself to fight it.

Maybe some year I will stop thinking of you so much at this time of year, or at least like this.